Miscellaneous marriage advice
Salams
Some advice given to a dear friend recently. Hopefully we can all benefit from it. Mrs Habib will no doubt be commenting forthwith on my position to be giving advice on happy marriages...
1. Marriage is obviously a very important sunna, but it is equally important to know that you are 'ahl' for marriage - that is, that you can meet the obligations of being a husband. It's essential to walk into something with your eyes open, and to know the ruling of Allah, and guidance of Rasul (s) BEFORE you do something (rather than after when it's too late!) A good start would be a book like Ghazzali's Book of marriage (trans Muhtar Holland), or Hedaya Hartfords 'Islamic Marriage.'
2. Insha-allah, we can speak about the fiqh/adab of marriage at some point. It's a crucial area that unfortunately most people are unaware of. I remember a friend once asked me to 'go through the fiqh of mariage' with him. I told him I would go through the adab of marriage with him, and then he wouldn't need the fiqh! As one of our teachers mentioned, 'if you understand and practice the spirit, you'll never need recourse to the law.'
3. What you're looking for in a partner is 'Deen.' This means three things (in order of importance): beliefs, character and practice. Note that good character is probably more important than practice because:
a) a person of good character is easier to live with, and marraige is about 'taskin,' which means 'making a home' but ALSO 'bringing tranquility.' Note that a home is suposed to be a place of tranquility. Also note that this is MUTUAL - tranquility and making a home does NOT mean wife listens to evrything you say, stands to attention and obeys every command! You have to bring tranquility to her as well! This is the psychology bit...
b) a person with good character is naturally attracted to good actions, even if they may not be performing them at the moment. Actions are easy to change in comparison to character traits.
4. Character, unfortunately is (a) difficult to judge - especially when you don't have the time to get to know someone - and (b) something unfortunately not particularly high up the priority list for most people, particularly when it comes to finding or rendering oneself suitable for marriage partners. You have to have a feel for these things, or ask the right sort of questions.
5. This is the person who will be closest to you - and have the most insidious influence on you, for better or worse - for the rest of your life. It is the person with whom you will raise your children, a major determinant of their final destination. Choose well, choose carefully. Yes, you can influence a person for the better - of course - but they will also influence you. Better all round to start with the best possible chance. If you want to build a table, buying and assembling the flat-packed one from IKEA is easier than taking an axe to the tree and going from there (even with the Swedish instructions!)
6. Remember that a good wife - or husband - (defined as one who will facilitate rather than hinder your pathway to Allah) is rarer than red sulphur. Someone interested and actively involved in tariqa is usually a safer bet. Note this does not mean, 'has a shaykh' or 'does khatam and mawlid' but someone who is actively involved in the process of self-purification. A person helps you spiritually not merely by waking you up for fajr (though this is handy!) but also by creating domestic conditions conducive to spiritual progress. The primary obstacle on the path is worldly distraction - be this financial, physical or emotional - that leads to heedlessness and pre-occupation. Heedlessness is the root of all spiritual diseases, which is why the sufis recommend nothing more than dhikr (remembrance) as a tool of rectification. Allah says, 'wadhkur Allaha dhikran kathiran,' which might be translated as 'make dhikr absolutely all the time.' We are created weak, and tend not to focus well on long-term matters (ajila) when we have pressing short-term worries (`ajila).
7. Something important: one often finds today that religiously-minded youngsters like ourselves get advice like the above on 'getting a good partner,' smugly content in our superiority over our 'less religious,' 'culturally backward' elders. Of course, we know better. They just married whoever mum chose for them. They didn't care about religion, piety, or any of that stuff. They just wanted someone from their village... And their marriages, in most cases, have lasted 20, 30, or 40 years. Many of our marriages don't last the winter.
Why? Because when you choose your 'perfect partner,' you expect perfection. We live in an age of instant satisfaction, where we are constantly being told to expect - no, demand - exactly what we want. Whether you like it or not, those who grow up in less-traditional societies are influenced by the 'gimme' mindset, the idea that happiness and contentment are not found in making the best of what one has, but in constantly searching for a fully-formed utopia.
8. Marriage is hard work. For women, it is often a jihad - a constant struggle, placing others before oneself, sacrificing. You get a diamond in the rough, and you have to polish it carefully and constantly. The joy is in the struggle, the incremental steps towards whatever is reasonably attainable. It's not in making it perfect the first time round. Home-cooked food has more baraka than ready meals from Tescos, even if the salt is slightly less, because it is made with love, the fruit of one's own hands.
To use another example, I really enjoyed the work on 'Songs of Innocence' because it was a constant process of revision, of listening and improving, of challenging myself to do better. The best part of it is that when I listen to it now, I know there are still things that I can improve, but when I look back at how it started, the first rough drafts (that I still have!), I delight in the difference between then and now.
So be warned, the work really starts after the nikah has occured. My shaykh explained to me that a successful marriage has two ingredients: shukr and sabr. Be thankful for whatever good qualities your partner has, and be patient and forebearing in the face of their not-so-good ones. Our older generations, consciously or not, were aware of this. They were content with marrying a person who was far from perfect. Over years, with difficulty and no doubt many tears, they have grown together, moulding each other in unnoticeable ways, until they are content with one another. You'll notice the word 'content' is mentioned frequently. This is not because I don't have my thesaurus. It is purposeful. Our problem is that we are fundamentally discontented with what we have. This is the major fitna of the modern world.
There is more, of course, but this should suffice to make you wish that you had never pressed 'send' on the blasted email in the first place!
Last note: everything that I have just said - apply it to yourself FIRST. make sure you are suitable to be a husband according to what has been mentioned above. Many of us have exacting standards for potential spouses, and make the unwitting and narcissitic assumption that we ourselves are perfect partners. A healthy prescription of introspection / looking in the mirror three times a day is just what the doctor ordered. NB: The masnun dua when looking in the mirror is: Allahuma anta hassanta khalqi, fa hassin khuluqi (Oh Allah, you have beautified my form, now beautify my inward character). Think about it...
Peace and blessings upon the best of creation, the spirit of life and master of existence, Sayyidina Muhammad, his family and companions.
was salam
Some advice given to a dear friend recently. Hopefully we can all benefit from it. Mrs Habib will no doubt be commenting forthwith on my position to be giving advice on happy marriages...
1. Marriage is obviously a very important sunna, but it is equally important to know that you are 'ahl' for marriage - that is, that you can meet the obligations of being a husband. It's essential to walk into something with your eyes open, and to know the ruling of Allah, and guidance of Rasul (s) BEFORE you do something (rather than after when it's too late!) A good start would be a book like Ghazzali's Book of marriage (trans Muhtar Holland), or Hedaya Hartfords 'Islamic Marriage.'
2. Insha-allah, we can speak about the fiqh/adab of marriage at some point. It's a crucial area that unfortunately most people are unaware of. I remember a friend once asked me to 'go through the fiqh of mariage' with him. I told him I would go through the adab of marriage with him, and then he wouldn't need the fiqh! As one of our teachers mentioned, 'if you understand and practice the spirit, you'll never need recourse to the law.'
3. What you're looking for in a partner is 'Deen.' This means three things (in order of importance): beliefs, character and practice. Note that good character is probably more important than practice because:
a) a person of good character is easier to live with, and marraige is about 'taskin,' which means 'making a home' but ALSO 'bringing tranquility.' Note that a home is suposed to be a place of tranquility. Also note that this is MUTUAL - tranquility and making a home does NOT mean wife listens to evrything you say, stands to attention and obeys every command! You have to bring tranquility to her as well! This is the psychology bit...
b) a person with good character is naturally attracted to good actions, even if they may not be performing them at the moment. Actions are easy to change in comparison to character traits.
4. Character, unfortunately is (a) difficult to judge - especially when you don't have the time to get to know someone - and (b) something unfortunately not particularly high up the priority list for most people, particularly when it comes to finding or rendering oneself suitable for marriage partners. You have to have a feel for these things, or ask the right sort of questions.
5. This is the person who will be closest to you - and have the most insidious influence on you, for better or worse - for the rest of your life. It is the person with whom you will raise your children, a major determinant of their final destination. Choose well, choose carefully. Yes, you can influence a person for the better - of course - but they will also influence you. Better all round to start with the best possible chance. If you want to build a table, buying and assembling the flat-packed one from IKEA is easier than taking an axe to the tree and going from there (even with the Swedish instructions!)
6. Remember that a good wife - or husband - (defined as one who will facilitate rather than hinder your pathway to Allah) is rarer than red sulphur. Someone interested and actively involved in tariqa is usually a safer bet. Note this does not mean, 'has a shaykh' or 'does khatam and mawlid' but someone who is actively involved in the process of self-purification. A person helps you spiritually not merely by waking you up for fajr (though this is handy!) but also by creating domestic conditions conducive to spiritual progress. The primary obstacle on the path is worldly distraction - be this financial, physical or emotional - that leads to heedlessness and pre-occupation. Heedlessness is the root of all spiritual diseases, which is why the sufis recommend nothing more than dhikr (remembrance) as a tool of rectification. Allah says, 'wadhkur Allaha dhikran kathiran,' which might be translated as 'make dhikr absolutely all the time.' We are created weak, and tend not to focus well on long-term matters (ajila) when we have pressing short-term worries (`ajila).
7. Something important: one often finds today that religiously-minded youngsters like ourselves get advice like the above on 'getting a good partner,' smugly content in our superiority over our 'less religious,' 'culturally backward' elders. Of course, we know better. They just married whoever mum chose for them. They didn't care about religion, piety, or any of that stuff. They just wanted someone from their village... And their marriages, in most cases, have lasted 20, 30, or 40 years. Many of our marriages don't last the winter.
Why? Because when you choose your 'perfect partner,' you expect perfection. We live in an age of instant satisfaction, where we are constantly being told to expect - no, demand - exactly what we want. Whether you like it or not, those who grow up in less-traditional societies are influenced by the 'gimme' mindset, the idea that happiness and contentment are not found in making the best of what one has, but in constantly searching for a fully-formed utopia.
8. Marriage is hard work. For women, it is often a jihad - a constant struggle, placing others before oneself, sacrificing. You get a diamond in the rough, and you have to polish it carefully and constantly. The joy is in the struggle, the incremental steps towards whatever is reasonably attainable. It's not in making it perfect the first time round. Home-cooked food has more baraka than ready meals from Tescos, even if the salt is slightly less, because it is made with love, the fruit of one's own hands.
To use another example, I really enjoyed the work on 'Songs of Innocence' because it was a constant process of revision, of listening and improving, of challenging myself to do better. The best part of it is that when I listen to it now, I know there are still things that I can improve, but when I look back at how it started, the first rough drafts (that I still have!), I delight in the difference between then and now.
So be warned, the work really starts after the nikah has occured. My shaykh explained to me that a successful marriage has two ingredients: shukr and sabr. Be thankful for whatever good qualities your partner has, and be patient and forebearing in the face of their not-so-good ones. Our older generations, consciously or not, were aware of this. They were content with marrying a person who was far from perfect. Over years, with difficulty and no doubt many tears, they have grown together, moulding each other in unnoticeable ways, until they are content with one another. You'll notice the word 'content' is mentioned frequently. This is not because I don't have my thesaurus. It is purposeful. Our problem is that we are fundamentally discontented with what we have. This is the major fitna of the modern world.
There is more, of course, but this should suffice to make you wish that you had never pressed 'send' on the blasted email in the first place!
Last note: everything that I have just said - apply it to yourself FIRST. make sure you are suitable to be a husband according to what has been mentioned above. Many of us have exacting standards for potential spouses, and make the unwitting and narcissitic assumption that we ourselves are perfect partners. A healthy prescription of introspection / looking in the mirror three times a day is just what the doctor ordered. NB: The masnun dua when looking in the mirror is: Allahuma anta hassanta khalqi, fa hassin khuluqi (Oh Allah, you have beautified my form, now beautify my inward character). Think about it...
Peace and blessings upon the best of creation, the spirit of life and master of existence, Sayyidina Muhammad, his family and companions.
was salam
posted by talib | 1:49 PM
3 Comments:
Nice
JazakAllah khayr
That was one good read :D!!
My shaykh explained to me that a successful marriage has two ingredients: shukr and sabr
click here
Wasalaam
:D
aww masha Allah..the best and most benificial bit was when you talked about elders...how htey had little islam in their marriages...and yet they lasted. very clever. may Allah protect and preserve you. ameen
CCC
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